I have realized lately that when yourself worth is broken it seems you don’t make money, and even if you did make money you would find ways to thrash it. Today I feel heavy and strangely sad for my life thus far. Although the power that be seemed to block my progress, and I personally feel it is to see how I feel about it. Without a job or money in the bank, how would we feel as human being? Honestly, it should not make us feel any less than who we are because lack of it, but you know somehow it made us feel less than we are. I am one of the most talented individuals in the world or even in this universe I called Earth, and I probably have direct contact of the divine yet one move after another, I ended up here in this tiny trailer. I do not mind where I live really but having no money in the bank some how making me feel sad. It is not without trying I must tell you. So I keep to meditate and meditating, and I am still meditating. Not on the money but on the life in general. I’ve helped men who were less talented than me having a home, a career, a thing that without my help, there is no fucking way they could make it. However, in this moment of my life, I have totally 70 dollars to my name. Money comes for sure – a friend told me to cash in $1000 from my credit card and paid for my rent, and for my other expenses so God does take care of me, but you know I still feel sad and broken. Does money mean this much to me? How’s about live your life one day at a time? Money is very important but the question is nagging at me here, and it is not about lacking money but WHY? Why am I not making money? Why everything is falling apart? What is it that the universe telling me?
The saddest part of this as I’d recalled was – I worked, and I worked, and I worked and many times my dog just laying at my feet. He was so bored. Something was eating at me every night for few months prior to his death- Take him out to the beach and play with him. I love my dog more than life itself but what was it that driven me to work like that and why?
I sat and sat and sat and sat and sat, and you know at the end – the fruit of my labor is to work for somebody else – but at my last job, this jerk fired me because … I had no idea why … but I knew I worked my fucking best – So I got very discouraged, and I wanted to make it on my own. How sedulously is this? Another truth IT IS NOT HARD. But why couldn’t I make it? Why couldn’t I make it? Why couldn’t I make it? why? why? why? why? why?
Anyway, I pray for your life, and I pray that you make it, and even if you don’t, and that you have someone who supports you. This man who I am with, I helped him for the last four years – all with my own money who came to my office every day and asked why nothing is coming out of my effort. I know he may mean well, but I wanted to yell and scream and told him – please go away – push yourself but not me -I am tired of your pushing me. If you don’t like the fact that I don’t make any money – I will leave you, and I will never look back. Even if I have to be on the street tonight my God, I will do it. So you know I am tough inside, but something is eating me inside. The inability to make money on my own is eating me. I vow to never work for anyone again even if I die trying.